Monday, January 19, 2009
I'm currently sitting on my couch in a rib and bread-pudding induced stupor. I wouldn't have it any other way. Tonight was the premier of an episode of "Diner's Drive-Ins, and Dives" on the Food Network. Pat's threw a huge bash to celebrate and my buddy Pat (Lorimer, no relation to the pit boss that I'm aware of) picked up some tickets. We got there fashionably late - in time for there to be a line out the door. As we neared the buffet line, a table opened up and we pounced on it. Great call - it gave us great access to the buffet line. The line was moving slowly and Pat (the pit boss) had his entire menu on offer. The small plastic plate was quickly filled with sides, even though I skipped the salad. To make more room, I employed the expand-a-plate (trademark claimed by Pat (my buddy). The expand-a-plate is the sacrificial bun I placed on top of the sides that provided separation and a buffer between the meats I stacked on it and the sides below. The chicken was excellent - but remained chicken. The pulled pork was somewhat disappointing. The BBQ Meatloaf was worth the gastrointestinal real estate, as was the brisket. The star of the proteins was predictably the ribs, which I saved for last. In the past I've made the mistake of starting with the very best. It's a mistake because there's only so much of one dish you can really enjoy and if you start at the top, everything else is a let down. So, I did it right and finished the proteins with the ribs. As I was working on my third rib, Pat (my buddy) had abandoned the proteins and was focusing on his second huge piece of bread pudding. I should have known it would be good by how he ignored the best ribs around for a desert. When I tasted it, I immediately had a food-O, complete with goose-bumps. I continued eating past the point of common sense until I was sweating and exhausted. You know how the saying goes - Hawaiians don't eat until they're full, they eat until they're tired. It was worth it. If you're in the mood for some amazing food, head over to Pat's near 21 South and West Temple in the industrial area of Salt Lake. I'd suggest a half rack of ribs with the red beans and rice. If you can, head over on Thursday and order the bread pudding - they make it Thursday and predictably it doesn't last long. A special thanks to Cindy for accommodating me tonight by watching the kids while I pigged out.
Friday, January 09, 2009
If you're disturbed by boogers or snot, stop reading now. Otherwise, enjoy. This story was so disgusting the retelling of it made my sister vomit. Seriously. Maybe it's a family thing, but other people's phlegm, lung cookies, or whatever you want to call it fouls me out instantly. If I see a loogie hanging in a drinking fountain, it's all I can do to limit the noise from gagging and hope to not lose it on the floor. So it should come as no surprise that a childhood friend of mine frequently disgusted me--to protect the innocent, let's call him Nate. You see, rather than being booger-phobic he was booger-philic. That's right, he was a booger eater. During church, he would often take the time to load up each of his fingers with the finest his nose had to offer. Thereafter, he'd take out his retainer and then savor each one in turn. He'd do this while sitting in the choir seats. And no, that's not the most disgusting thing he did, though it makes me throw up a little in my mouth to think of it. The nastiest thing he did happened right before lunch hour while we were in the sixth grade. The rest of the class had lined up for lunch but for whatever reason the two of us were running behind. Mr. Toledo sent us back to the sink to wash our hands. As I followed Nate to the sink, he sneezed. A hearty, lung clearing sneeze from his flu-filled lungs. As he assessed the damage, he realized his retainer had snagged a good portion of the lung cookies of his sneeze. There was no way he was going to let that go to waste, so he slurped his retainer clean. I am now gagging uncontrollably, so I'll have to stop.